Interactive Narrative: Tales from the Borderlands Episode Outline & Scene Sample

The following is an episode outline and a scene sample I created for the Telltale game Tales from the Borderlands, set in Gearbox's Borderlands universe.

These items are entirely speculative in nature and I have no professional affiliation with either studio; I love the Borderlands universe and wanted to experiment with writing within it.

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EPISODE OVERVIEW – JUST A PHASE

Prologue (FIONA): GRIT HAPPENS

Scene 1: EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE DUST – DAY
Fiona awakens in the desert, buried up to her neck. Spiderants lurk nearby. A figure looms over her. Shit.
Ellie knocks on Fiona’s head to check her vitals, then asks who she is and how she ended up left for dead.
Minor choices: whether to admit her uncertainty and/or identity.
The spiderants attack [QTE combat; pickup: scrap metal weapon]. Sasha saves the day in a Bandit Technical.
Scene 2: INT. ELLIE’S GARAGE, THE DUST – DAY
Sasha reminds Fiona of what happened: they tried to sell Mick fake “Eridian” parts, Sasha escaped, and now they’re broke.
Minor choice: whether to let Sasha explain her abandonment. If Fiona lets her do so, Sasha approves.
Taking pity on their broke asses, Ellie agrees to drive them to Lynchwood to find work.
Scene 3: EXT. BOUNTY BOARD, LYNCHWOOD – DAY
After Ellie drops them off, Fiona scans the board. Sasha laments breaking things off with Rhys, but she can’t respect corporate contractors. She comments on the bounties [point-and-click; pick-up: compact mirror].
Minor choice: whether to support Rhys. If Fiona does so, Sasha disapproves; she’s still pissed.
Fiona has a headache as she reads the bounty for “Phaseknockin’ Nikita,” a suspected Siren hiding near Tundra Express.
Minor choices: whether to get Sasha’s input on the bounty and/or talk about the headache. They take the bounty.

Chapter 1 (RHYS): WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

Scene 1: INT. MARCUS MUNITIONS, SANCTUARY – DAY
Rhys is having a gunslinger daydream when he gets a call from Chet, a former Maliwan contact. Chet wants Rhys to broker an Eridium deal with the Harbingers, a reclusive Frozen Wastes clan, so Maliwan can corner the E-tech weapons market.
Major choice: whether to let Chet install a tracking program to keep tabs on their progress.
Scene 2: EXT. OUTSIDE THE BLACK MARKET, SANCTUARY - DAY
Vaughn meets up with Rhys. “Brenda from accounting” told Vaughn to find her roller derby pals, Hack and Slash, at a secret auction. Brenda said H&S have a lead on the Harbingers and that H&S would be hard to miss.
Minor choices: whether to readily trust Vaughn’s lead; whether to support Vaughn’s interest in Eridian lore.
Scene 3: INT. CRAZY EARL’S AUCTION, SOMEWHERE IN RUST COMMONS WEST – NIGHT
Crazy Earl runs the Eridium-only auction from behind a mesh wire fence and uses a scanner scrambler.
Rhys and Vaughn question attendees for info about H&S [point-and-click; pickup: broken glass].
Minor choice: whether to help a lost lady named Agatha. Regardless, Agatha soon departs.
After losing a bid, Kip, a be-mulleted bandit, announces that he’s robbing everyone. He’s clearly inexperienced.
Minor choice: whether to criticize Kip’s sad heist game. Either way, QTE combat begins.
Agatha bursts through the wall in full glam metal regalia, riding a bullymong with the same hair, hat, and sunglasses as Guns ‘N Roses’ lead guitarist. They’re actually Hackatha and Metal Mong [Hack ‘n Slash]. H&S give Rhys and Vaughn a ride.

Chapter 2 (FIONA): CIRQUE DU SO-HEYOO!

Scene 1: EXT. LYNCHWOOD – DAY
No trains are running, so Fiona and Sasha plan to steal a car. Steve pops into Fiona’s face with a deafening “Heyoo!”
Major choice: tell Steve to tell Mick that they survived or ask him not to tell Mick.
Steve says the circus he’s now in needs new magicians after “The Cannoning.” Fiona and Sasha demo tricks [QTEs].
Minor choice: whether to talk to the ringmaster. If Fiona readily agrees, Sasha approves; less risky than the bounty.
Scene 2: INT. RINGMASTER’S OFFICE, LYNCHWOOD – NIGHT
Ringmaster Tim, who shot the previous magicians out of a cannon, interviews Fiona and Sasha. He’ll hire them if Fiona beats him in a very intense thumb war [QTE “combat”]. During the thumb war, Fiona’s sleeve tears to reveal a scar; Sasha notices.
Win or lose, Tim accepts them. Steve gives them a map to the circus caravan, and Fiona and Sasha head out.
Minor choice: whether to discuss scar with Sasha; if Fiona does so, Sasha trusts her more.
Scene 3: EXT. LYNCHWOOD – DAY
The area where the caravan should be is empty. If Fiona solves a riddle [point-and-click] on the map, a cloaked train appears.
Either way, Nimby, a meat puppet juggler, hops off the train and says he heard they were coming so he’ll let them on.
Minor choice: convince Sasha to pursue Nikita, since the circus train is headed to the Frozen Wastes anyway.

Chapter 3 (RHYS): OF ALL THE TRAINS…

Scene 1: EXT. LYNCHWOOD – DAY
Hackatha takes Rhys and Vaughn to a deserted expanse, where she starts talking to no one. Weird.
Minor choice: whether to interrupt her; if Rhys interrupts, Slash pins Rhys down to shut him up.
Either way, Nimby emerges and greets Hackatha before she and Slash depart.
Minor choice: convince Nimby to let you on the train that’ll pass through Tundra Express.
Scene 2: INT. CIRCUS TRAIN – DAY
Upon entering the bar car, Rhys spots Sasha and Fiona practicing card tricks at a table in the corner.
Major choice: whether to apologize to Sasha for choosing Maliwan. If Rhys is friendly, Sasha approves.
Major choice: whether to tell Fiona about the Eridium mission. If Rhys does so, Fiona will split the bounty.
Fiona orders a “thinking shot” from the bar, only for the bartender to reveal that she is Nikita.
Fiona lunges after Nikita, and Sasha primes her SMG, not far behind and very psyched to fight.
If picked up broken glass: throw it at Nikita. She remarks that “it didn’t break the skin, but ow.”
Major choice: provide badass backup for Sasha and Fiona or wuss out and jump off the train.

Chapter 4 (FIONA): PRAY FOR THE THUNDER

Scene 1: INT. CIRCUS TRAIN, FROZEN WASTES – DAY
Fiona chases Nikita [QTEs to dodge objects and Nimby, who chooses that time to try to discuss rat stew recipes].
If picked up compact mirror: temporarily blind Nikita so Sasha can shoot at her. The bullet grazes Nikita.
Major choice: Fiona either brings Sasha along or asks her to stay below.
Scene 2: EXT. ON A F!*@ING TRAIN, FROZEN WASTES – DAY
Fiona chases Nikita on top of the train [QTE combat]. Nikita shoots an Eridian Mega Cannon at Fiona. Fiona generates an energy shield that blocks the blast [Phaseblock] and cracks the ice below, derailing the train.
If Sasha came along: Fiona shields Sasha, too; Sasha is grateful but very injured.
Nikita hops down to the ice as the train crashes, running towards a huge chasm with a purple glow.
If Sasha came along: Fiona helps Sasha jump off the car. Sasha asks how she made the shield.
If Sasha stayed below: Sasha meets up with Fiona on the ice. Sasha says that Fiona’s scar is glowing.

Chapter 5 (RHYS): SWING AND A DISS

Scene 1: EXT. BROKEN ICE, FROZEN WASTES – DAY
Rhys and Vaughn tumble onto the ice, either on purpose or because they’re thrown off. Rhys tries to scan the Siren but can’t lock on before she shoots at Fiona. A lightsplosion surrounds Fiona and potentially Sasha, and the ice below cracks.
Rhys and Vaughn jump on icebergs and Meat Popsicles to reach solid ground [QTEs]. Hack ‘n Slash pummel Psychos nearby.
Scene 2: EXT. BROKEN ICE, FROZEN WASTES – SUNSET
Nikita jumps down to the broken ice below the train and runs towards a large glowing chasm.
Minor choice: whether to pursue Nikita for the reward or in order to help Sasha. If it’s for Sasha, Vaughn approves.
If Rhys installed the tracker: Vaughn spots Maliwan ships overhead. Chet calls Rhys to offer extra cash if Rhys can “relocate” the clan. Chet sends Rhys a cash bonus for leading Maliwan ships to the area.
If Rhys didn’t install the tracker: Chet calls Rhys to say that his mercenaries have been tailing them, so Chet knows Rhys is near the clan. He offers a bonus if Rhys convinces the clan to “relocate.”
Major choice: plan to try relocation or to try negotiation. If Rhys chooses negotiation, Chet disapproves and will remember.

Chapter 6 (FIONA): PLEASE TAKE ME HOME

Scene 1: EXT. CHASM ABOVE TEMPLE, FROZEN WASTES – NIGHT
Fiona jumps into the chasm; Sasha tells her not to wait for her so she won’t slow Fiona down.
Minor choice: reassure Sasha or be tough on her. If Fiona reassures Sasha, Sasha trusts her more.
Nikita stops running once they reach a temple covered with ancient Eridian carvings and artifacts.
Fiona touches Nikita’s arm, which sparks and briefly appears non-human, as if Fiona’s touch disrupted a cloaking effect. Nikita says three words in a strange language, then runs through a stone door with no handle that locks behind her.
Scene 2: INT. ANCIENT TEMPLE, FROZEN WASTES – NIGHT
If Rhys proposed friendship to Sasha: He offers to help Sasha climb down. She declines help but thanks him.
Rhys, Vaughn, and Sasha enter, mystified. Vaughn identifies the carvings as ancient Eridian. Sasha picks up a Vitality Relic, which heals her instantly. Rhys scans the two Eridian weapons suspended in the air.
Just as Fiona chooses one of the suspended weapons, Vaughn sees Fiona’s likeness carved on the wall. All are creeped out.
If Fiona told Steve to tell Mick they lived: They hear a faint “Heyoo!” in the distance.
If Rhys told Fiona Maliwan contract details: Fiona reminds Rhys that he gets a cut if he helps catch Nikita.
The Harbingers arrive with Hack ‘n Slash, blocking their exit. Fiona slams her fist against the stone door and asks Vaughn to translate Nikita’s words. Vaughn translates – “Welcome home, Fiona” – as the stone door opens.

SCENE SAMPLE

Chapter 1 (RHYS): WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

Scene 3: INT. CRAZY EARL’S AUCTION, SOMEWHERE IN RUST COMMONS WEST – NIGHT

DIR: Rhys and Vaughn stumble into the Eridium-only auction just as Crazy Earl names the winner of an Ellie hood ornament. Beer bottles fly, crashing against the mesh screen that protects Crazy Earl and the merch. Several eccentric duos dot the audience, from blood-caked bandits to the closest thing that Pandora has to rough-and-tumble aristocrats. Time to sift through the bullshit and find Hack and Slash.

CRAZY EARL: …got my scanner scrambler slapped on ‘high’ because we’re all friends here, right? Also, if you stick your nose where it don’t belong, I’ll rip it clean off! [Title Card: CRAZY EARL: Runnin’ an Auction Here – OUTTA MY FACE!!!]

DIR: Shrugging, Rhys tries to scan the crowd with his new ECHO eye. Yep, it’s offline.

RHYS: Of course.

VAUGHN: Huh. Either your new implant’s total trash or Crazy Earl’s got an Eridian-grade scrambler. Only way to dampen a crowd this size.

RHYS: Really getting into this Eridian-alien-whatever tech stuff, huh?

VAUGHN: Some of us have hobbies. And I’d rather get back to mine as soon as possible – thanks for asking about it exactly never before this point, by the way – so hurry up and do that charm-y thing you do.

RHYS: [feigns ignorance] What charm-y thing?

VAUGHN: That. That exact thing.

RHYS: Relax, Vaughn, we’re not staying any longer than we have to.

VAUGHN: Relax, he says. Sure, I can relax. How about here, in this cozy shit-covered corner? Or maybe here, on this one-of-a-kind shit-covered chaise longue?

RHYS: Let’s just get in, find Hack and Slash, get out.

VAUGHN: And shower. Forever. And ever.

[Enter Point-and-Click Sequence] DIR: Rhys and Vaughn talk to Ernestine and Percival, Jacqui Naranja and Fartblaster, and Agatha, in any order. Rhys and Vaughn must talk to all of them to completely exit the point-and-click sequence. Optional pick-up: broken glass. In this playthrough, Rhys talks to Ernestine and Percival first. Crazy Earl continues running the auction in the background; next up, a Moxxtail variety pack.

CRAZY EARL: Got bullet wounds? Take a swig of this here Squill Syrup – it’ll fill your gaping flesh flaps!

DIR: Rhys and Vaughn approach Ernestine, who’s dressed in somewhat tattered Victorian garb and using an umbrella indoors for some reason. Her toy skoodle (skag/poodle mix) Percival yaps angrily at Vaughn, apparently offended by his face.

CHOICES:

1. What’s your dog’s problem?

2. Sorry to bother you.

3. What a cute…um…what IS that?

4. Silence 1. What’s your dog’s problem? RHYS: Hey! What’s your dog’s problem? ERNESTINE: There’s no problem, good sir. Your friend’s face merely offended my poor Percival. VAUGHN: Forget my face; that thing’s an abomination! ERNESTINE: Well, I never! VAUGHN: Never? Really? I’m the first one to question the unholy existence of your skag-poodle-thing? [TO MAIN PATH]

2. Sorry to bother you.

RHYS: Sorry to bother you. We’re just looking for someone. ERNESTINE: If you don’t already know who I am, then I’m afraid we have absolutely nothing to talk about. VAUGHN: Well, who are you? ERNESTINE: A tempest you would never survive. [TO MAIN PATH]

3. What a cute…um…what IS that?

RHYS: What a cute, little…um…what IS that? ERNESTINE: Why, a toy skoodle, of course. Half skag, half poodle. Very expensive. Everyone who’s anyone has one these days. VAUGHN: You’re serious? A skoodle? ERNESTINE: I don’t believe I stuttered – I never do.

RHYS: How…nice. VAUGHN: Nice? Unscramble your eye, Rhys. That thing is a literal waking nightmare.

[TO MAIN PATH]

4. Silence

ERNESTINE: It’s very rude to stare, young man. Kindly state your business or move along. VAUGHN: Sorry, my friend’s never seen anything like your…dog? It is a dog, isn’t it? Tell me it’s a dog. ERNESTINE: Percival is no mere “dog.” How common. He is a skoodle, thank you. VAUGHN: Oh, a skoodle. Of course. Got it. Definitely. And what’s a skoodle now? ERNESTINE: A skag-poodle mix, bred to perfection, which is more than I can say for the two of you. [TO MAIN PATH]

[MAIN PATH] RHYS: Can we start over? ERNESTINE: If we must. This exchange is growing tiresome.

RHYS: So I’m Rhys, and this is Vaughn. Nice to meet you, uh…? ERNESTINE: Ernestine. VAUGHN: Just Ernestine? ERNESTINE: Just Ernestine. That’s all people of your ilk need to know. CHOICES:

1. Do you know anyone named Slash?

2. You don’t go by “Hack,” do you?

3. Have you ever experienced joy?

4. Silence

1. Do you know anyone named Slash? RHYS: Do you happen to know anyone named Slash? ERNESTINE: I don’t think I’d care to live if I did. [TO MAIN PATH]

2. You don’t go by “Hack,” do you? RHYS: You don’t go by the name “Hack,” do you? ERNESTINE: How dare you. VAUGHN: So that’s a no. [TO MAIN PATH]

3. Have you ever experienced joy? RHYS: Are you always like this? ERNESTINE: Yes. VAUGHN: Have you ever had fun? I’m talking about any time during your whole life. ERNESTINE: No. [TO MAIN PATH]

4. Silence ERNESTINE: If you keep staring like that, I’ll have you thrown out of here like the animals you are. [TO MAIN PATH]

[MAIN PATH] RHYS: Clearly you’re not who we’re looking for. Sorry for wasting your time. ERNESTINE: If you had any idea how precious my time is, you’d apologize a little harder than that. Good luck with your life choices, gentlemen. VAUGHN: And good luck with your cuddly hellspawn!

[Point-and-Click Sequence Continues] DIR: Next, Rhys talks to Jacqui Naranja and her companion Fartblaster, a strangely calm midget Psycho. A be-mulleted bandit seated in front of the room cries out in frustration after he loses another bid.

JACQUI: You look lost. Should get lost somewhere else. RHYS: We’re just trying to find some people. VAUGHN: And you seem like someone who knows the right people. JACQUI: Depends on what you need. RHYS: OK, well, so, manners: I’m Rhys, and this is Vaughn. DIR: Jacqui only grunts in reply. Fartblaster remains silent and motionless. RHYS: This is the part where you say who you are. JACQUI: Jacqui. Jacqui Naranja. And this here’s my business partner and numbers guy, Fartblaster. CHOICES: 1. Really? Fartblaster? 2. Please tell me you know something about Hack. 3. How did you two even meet? 4. Silence

1. Really? Fartblaster? RHYS: Your name’s Fartblaster, huh? FARTBLASTER: [lets a fart go that sounds like a “yup”] JACQUI: Just told you that. RHYS: Fair enough. So, Fartblaster, have you seen anyone out of the ordinary lately? FARTBLASTER: [releases a long fart that sounds like “noooope” while shrugging] [TO MAIN PATH]

2. Please tell me you know something about Hack. RHYS: We’re looking for someone named Hack. Know anyone who likes to, I dunno, chop things? JACQUI: Lotta people I know like to chop things. RHYS: I believe you. VAUGHN: You like to chop things, too, don’t you? JACQUI: Very much. FARTBLASTER: [makes a series of chopping motions, farting each time his arm drops] VAUGHN: Eep. [TO MAIN PATH]

3. How did you two even meet? RHYS: How did you two even meet? JACQUI: Like everyone. Similar interests. VAUGHN: So you both joined a squash league, right? Took a pottery class? Have a shared love of artisanal cheeses? JACQUI: Killed a town. RHYS: Wait, you burned down a town or you murdered everyone in it? JACQUI: ’Tain’t mutually exclusive. FARTBLASTER: [releases a series of quick, short farts, mimicking the sound of devious laughter] [TO MAIN PATH]

4. Silence DIR: Jacqui holds prolonged, awkward eye contact with Rhys. A few seconds pass. Jacqui looks to Fartblaster. JACQUI: Guessing you came up to us by accident, then. Ain’t got nothin’ you want. [TO MAIN PATH] [MAIN PATH] JACQUI: Move along. FARTBLASTER: [releases a fart that sounds like an exasperated “yeah, move along!” with body language to match] VAUGHN: Awww, OK, we’re going! Just please stop. [Point-and-Click Sequence Continues] DIR: Finally, Rhys talks to Agatha, a small elderly woman sitting by herself near the back of the auction. As Rhys and Vaughn approach her, Agatha opens her coin purse to assess her funds. It’s empty; a sickly fly buzzes out and coughs weakly. VAUGHN: Aw. [Whispers aside to Rhys] We should help that sweet little gran-gran. She seems kinda…out of her element.

CHOICES:

1. We should focus.

2. She needs to learn how the world works.

3. Sure. Respect your elders, right?

4. Silence

1. We should focus.

RHYS: Big picture, Vaughn. We don’t have time to help everyone. VAUGHN: Look, I’ve wanted to get out of here pretty much since five minutes before we walked in – honestly, I almost made a break for that pristine sewer grate back there! – but this is a chance to do some good. RHYS: Fine. But then it’s right back to finding “Brenda from Accounting’s” derby buddy, all right? [TO MAIN PATH]

2. She needs to learn how the world works.

RHYS: If we help her now, she’ll never learn to stay out of trouble. VAUGHN: Well how’s she going to learn unless someone helps her along? RHYS: Getting shot is the lesson. VAUGHN: Bro. Now we’re definitely helping her. [TO MAIN PATH]

3. Sure. Respect your elders, right?

RHYS: Sure, I can get behind helping the elderly. Good optics. VAUGHN: That’s one way of looking at it. Guess a good deed’s a good deed, no matter why you’re doing it. [TO MAIN PATH]

4. Silence

VAUGHN: You know, Rhys, just because we’re contracting with Maliwan doesn’t mean we have put on the condescending corporate act anymore. Dare to care about something.

[TO MAIN PATH]

[MAIN PATH]

DIR: Rhys and Vaughn turn back to Agatha, who has been waiting patiently. A beer bottle hits the wall right next to Agatha’s head.

AGATHA: Gracious, there’s never a dull moment in here, is there?

CHOICES:

1. This festival of weirdos doesn’t seem like your scene.

2. How’d you end up here?

3. Do you know someone named Hack?

4. Silence

1. This festival of weirdos doesn’t seem like your scene.

RHYS: You’re the most normal person I’ve met since I came to Pandora. AGATHA: You’re not very good at reading people, are you, dearie? RHYS: Hey! I think I’m, you know, OK. AGATHA: Oh my, well, it’s hard to judge ourselves, isn’t it?

[TO MAIN PATH]

2. How’d you end up here?

RHYS: Did you take a wrong turn somewhere? AGATHA: Oh my, I’ve taken many. But I’m where I’m supposed to be, I think. VAUGHN: That makes no sense. Also, I can’t see how that’s possibly true. [TO MAIN PATH]

3. Do you know someone named Hack?

RHYS: Actually, you don’t know anyone who goes by “Hack,” do you? AGATHA: Hack, was it? Now that’s a name I haven’t heard since… DIR: Rhys and Vaughn share a concerned look as Agatha trails off and kind of zones out. [TO MAIN PATH]

4. Silence AGATHA: Oh, so you’re the strong silent type, then. VAUGHN: He’s really not. RHYS: Thanks, Vaughn. VAUGHN: Like, he’s really, REALLY not. RHYS: THANKS, VAUGHN. [TO MAIN PATH]

[MAIN PATH] DIR: Uneasy, Agatha eyes the skeevy, ripped bandits hanging around the exit who don’t look like they’ll let anyone pass for free. AGATHA: I suppose I should be going, then. VAUGHN: Rhys! No one should have to go through those way-too-veiny dudes by themselves.

CHOICES:

1. Be a gentleman. 2. Be a dick.

3. Delegate.

4. Silence

1. Be a gentleman.

RHYS: Here, take my arm. AGATHA: Oh, how kind. I suppose I should go while it’s reasonably calm. I don’t like the look of that pale one with the curly skag-demon over there. VAUGHN: See? Agatha gets it! DIR: Rhys offers his arm for Agatha to lean on as he walks her to the exit. She accepts, offering him a smile in return. Vaughn follows.

[TO MAIN PATH]

2. Be a dick.

RHYS: Get out, then. No need to linger here. You’ll be fine. AGATHA: You are a confident sparkplug, aren’t you? Pride yourself on being observant? RHYS: I try. AGATHA: Take it from me, dearie: you’ll want to try harder. RHYS: OK, thanks for that not-at-all-cryptic comment. [TO MAIN PATH]

3. Delegate.

RHYS: Vaughn, help Agatha out, will ya? VAUGHN: I mean, I can. But this seems like more of a “hero” thing to do.

RHYS: So trust me. I’ll scan the crowd while you make sure our new friend gets out of here in one piece. VAUGHN: All right. DIR: They pause for a beat. RHYS: Am I your hero, Vaughn? VAUGHN: You know very well that you are! Even if you don’t always act like it. AGATHA: Hellooo. If you’re done baring your souls to each other, I’m ready to go. Have been for a while…

[TO MAIN PATH]

4. Silence AGATHA: Well, I can see when I’m not wanted… VAUGHN: Aw, no, no no no no. Rhys, tell her she’s kind and wise and has the heart of a unicorn and we just want her to be safe. DIR: Agatha looks up at Rhys expectantly, eyes wide.

RHYS: Agatha, you’re…those things he said. VAUGHN: There’s that boyish charm. AGATHA: That’s all right, dearie. It’s what’s in the heart that counts.

[TO MAIN PATH]

[Exit Point-and-Click Sequence]

[MAIN PATH] DIR: Agatha departs just as a skirmish erupts in the front row of the auction. Kip, the be-mulleted bandit, has hit his breaking point after losing a bid on salt and pepper shakers sculpted to look like a bullymong’s butt. He whips out his rusty SMG a bit too quickly, dropping it on the floor almost immediately. He recovers his gun, but not until after EVERYONE already saw him drop it.

KIP: [voice cracks on the word “rob’ry”] This here’s a rob’ry, y’all! I guess!

[Title Card: KIP: Business in the Front, Party in the Back (Also, Robbing You)]

DIR: Crazy Earl closes up shop and skedaddles right out of there. Rhys and Vaughn dive for cover behind an overturned, shit-covered chaise longue. [Intermittent QTE combat]

VAUGHN: See? I TOLD you! And – aw, aw, it’s sticky!

DIR: As the crowd swells, Kip loses control of his gun again, firing wildly into the crowd.

KIP: Now everyone just hold still and this’ll all be over soon. Well, maybe! I’m not great at aimin’, is what I’m tryin’ to say.

DIR: Rhys and Vaughn try to get Kip’s attention from behind their poopy barricade.

CHOICES:

1. Is this your first time or something?

2. Not a good look, bro.

3. Stop now and we’ll forget the whole thing.

4. Silence

1. Is this your first time or something? RHYS: Is this your first heist or something? KIP: What’s that s’posed to mean? VAUGHN: He’s trying to tell you you’re super good at this. KIP: [tosses mullet with a flourish] Oh, I know. [TO MAIN PATH]

2. Not a good look, bro. RHYS: You’re reinforcing some serious negative stereotypes I have about bandits right now. KIP: Sounds more like a problem with your internal moral compass than anythin’ to do with me. RHYS: What? My moral compass is fine! Ish. KIP: [to Vaughn] Is it? DIR: Vaughn looks from Kip to Rhys and back to Kip, then makes a “meh” motion with his hand. [TO MAIN PATH]

3. Stop now and we’ll forget the whole thing. RHYS: Just take what you already looted and go! We’ll forget this ever happened. KIP: Ya promise? RHYS: Yes! I can think of literally hundreds of things that are way more important than this. VAUGHN: Oh man, me, too. Like, how good is shawarma? KIP: [sniffling] Y’all really know how to cut a guy deep. [TO MAIN PATH]

4. Silence VAUGHN: Um, Kip, was it? Sorry your bid thing didn’t work out! KIP: Thanks! I really needed those bullymong butt salt and pepper shakers! Now my shack’s whole gal’durn feng shui’s gonna be off. VAUGHN: Oh, is that what it was? Tasteful. So you think you could stop shooting now? KIP: Haha, y’know, I don’t think I could, even if I tried? [TO MAIN PATH] [MAIN PATH] [Limited additional QTE combat; optional broken glass pickup] DIR: Rhys and Vaughn duck projectiles and dive for new cover. Suddenly, Agatha bursts through the wall in full glam metal regalia, riding a tamed bullymong steed with the same hair, hat, and sunglasses as Guns ‘N Roses’ lead guitarist, Slash. [Title Card: HACKATHA and METAL MONG: HACK ‘N SLASH]

DIR: A lead guitar riff plays during the title card, holding the final note for an excessive amount of time.

VAUGHN: [during the held note] Oh, I get it!

RHYS: Agatha?!

HACKATHA: Do call me Hackatha.

DIR: In slow motion, Hackatha leaps from Metal Mong, guns blazing, subduing multiple hostiles as she tumbles down the front row of the room. She then stabs Kip through one foot to keep him in one place, and then she dropkicks his gun out of his hand and across the room. Everyone falls silent for a moment.

RHYS: I have questions.

HACKATHA: I expect you do. But if you don’t want your insides on your outsides, dearie, you’d better hop in.

VAUGHN: Into what, your bullymong-pulled death car?

HACKATHA: Oh my, yes. Unless you’d rather walk to the Frozen Wastes. Wouldn’t recommend it, though. CHOICES: 1.You don’t have to tell me twice. 2. This doesn’t seem safe… 3. How did you change so quickly? 4. Silence

1. You don’t have to tell me twice.

RHYS: YUP, you don’t have to tell me twice. Vaughn, a little help? VAUGHN: The things I do for you. [TO MAIN PATH]

2. This doesn’t seem safe…

RHYS: It’s an armored sidecar – I get that – but it seems like the main thing it does is protect itself. HACKATHA: It’s perfectly functional. Just scoop the decapitated heads right out, and you’re ready to ride. VAUGHN: Has this been crash tested? Safety certified? Please tell me there are seatbelts. HACKATHA: Haha, no. [TO MAIN PATH]

3. How did you change so quickly?

RHYS: Do you just wear that outfit under your normal clothes? HACKATHA: A lady never tells. VAUGHN: And you, madam, are a true lady. HACKATHA: Now that we’ve cleared that up, you should probably scoop out all of those decapitated heads.

[TO MAIN PATH]

4. Silence

VAUGHN: OK, our options are bullymong death car or death by bumbling mullet guy. Tough call, tough call. Wait, no it’s not, because at least a bullymong would probably kill us on the first try. HACKATHA: You have a point, dearie. Metal Mong is nothing if not accurate.

[TO MAIN PATH]

[MAIN PATH]

DIR: Rhys and Vaughn barely make it into the armored bullymong sidecar before Hackatha clicks her teeth, signaling for Metal Mong to book it to the Frozen Wastes. Rhys frantically throws decapitated heads out of the sidecar, beyond grossed out. Vaughn looks back just in time to make tense eye contact with Percival the skoodle. Both Vaughn’s and Percival’s eyes narrow. VAUGHN: [whispers, steely] Next time.